just run it off.

The last glimmer of golden light slipped right out of the sky and was replaced immediately by blue-tinted darkness; the color of night. The wind had come out to play. He tossed me this way and that,  pulling strands of hair out of my ponytail and pushing against me as my legs carried me forward one step at a time. I didn't see the stars, not tonight. But the moon was bright enough for all the stars combined. And its lovely silver light kissed my cheeks as it whispered soft and comforting thoughts into my mind. 

"CaLea," it whispered, "I know that sometimes life is hard. But I also know that you are strong. And in the end, all of this is going to be okay." And I just gazed up at the vast heavens above as I ran. Because Heaven gives me strength when my own strength seems to fail. 

Sometimes I let my frustrations propel me forward. I let the fact that he pretends I don't even exist and the fact that I can't seem to stop loving him fuel each step of my journey through my disastrous mind. Because that's what happens when I run; I find myself exploring the most difficult corners of my brain. Because when I run, I'm brave. And when I'm brave, I can face reality. And my reality is a mess right now.

If you were to ask me what's going on, all I'd be able to say in response would be, "I don't know." Because I don't know. I have not the slightest idea of what is going on, and I think that's what makes all of this so much worse. I have no control. I have no understanding. I don't know what's going on, but I do know how I feel. And somehow the combination of those two things is managing to eat me alive from the heart, out.

I run because it's the only time in my life when I am in complete control. But as soon as I make it home, my asthma kicks in. And the tears don't help. I lose control. And the confusion leaks from my eyes and makes my whole body shake and I'm left here aching with no other option other than to just wait it out.

Wait it out, CaLea.
That's what I keep telling myself.

But I've never been very patient.

And really, all of this kind of hurts.

whoop whoop girl.

//That moment when I'm sitting at the kitchen table and my little sister Jade, when talking to my other younger sister, comes up with this excuse: "Yeah, but it was really late and we were high on hot dogs." Statements such as this are a regular occurrence at the Bagley home...

//My mother gave me a fake wedding ring as a pre-BYU gift. I'm dying right now. That's right boys, nobody talk to me because I'm married to Aragorn, Sirius Black, and Luke Skywalker. I should just go ahead and stamp a big fat "TAKEN" on my forehead. Respect the ring, respect it.

//Hi, my best friend is named Dallin Childs and he's the biggest sweetheart. And when I say "biggest," I quite literally mean "biggest." He's 6'4" and has nice hair. And he deserves all the gratitude in the world because he's the reason I'm still somewhat sane after everything that's been going on in my life lately. Thank you, Dal. 

//I went on a shopping spree this past weekend with Jillian. Two claps for being a female. Because let's face it, no matter how bad your day may be going, all you really need is a debit card and a store full of possibilities. BAM. Instant happiness.

//Jordan Crump. Jillian Sanderson. Mah gurrls. Seriously, how much loving can a girl get? Between Dallin and these two lovely ladies, I will never feel unloved ever again. Nope. They are great, seriously and wonderfully great. No matter what I'm experiencing in life, I know that they will be there to support me through it. Also, don't mess with me or you'll have to mess with Jordan. 

//I love running because I have complete control. I love pushing my body to new limits because it's symbolic of me pushing myself to new limits in life. I love the after-run feeling of knowing that I am capable of overcoming my own weaknesses. Because I can also overcome my weaknesses in other aspects of my life. It is my escape from difficult circumstances: when life gets hard, I run.

//I finally completed personal progress. And then I graduated from seminary. Two claps for CaLea and her progression in the church.

So, graduation and stuff. And like, moving out and stuff. Oh, and like, my mission papers and stuff. What? What what? I'm pretty sure I'm still five years old and this is all some horrendous practical joke. HAHA, real funny, life. I'm not old enough to grow up yet, dang it. Leave, NOW. And NEVER come BACK!!!! (If you can guess what movie that is from, I'll kiss you on the mouth.) I got called the "whoop whoop" girl yesterday because I "whoop whoop" all day long. Whoop whoop.

It's only Monday.
Meeeeh.

raindrops or teardrops? it's all the same to me.

Somehow I ended up there; after a long day that had put a consistent strain on my emotions. I spread out my blanket on top of the soft green grass then collapsed upon it. I had a book in my lap, and from it, I read aloud. He's been gone since 1991, but I still like to visit him. I still like to plan little dates with him. And as far as I know, he loves it when I read to him. But I think maybe he just likes when I visit.

He's the very best listener. I threw the book aside and just started talking to him. And before I knew it, I felt little droplets of water on my legs. Some of them were from the sky, but some of them were from my eyes. Yesterday was a really hard day.

I wasn't there alone for long. I felt a pair of arms around me, and the warmth of companionship on my left side, and with it, immediate comfort. And seconds after, another warm body plopped down on the grass on my right side. Two sets of loving arms, two sets of listening ears, two loving hearts and a whole bunch of tears. None of us said anything, but we didn't need to. I was shaking. Maybe it was because I was cold, but maybe not. Yet in that moment, I didn't have to be alone.

Cafe Rio, raindrops from the heavens, and cuddles and Harry Potter. I am so grateful for the love I have in my life. I'm so grateful for supportive friends. I'm so grateful that no matter what I'm going through, I don't have to endure any of it alone. I thank the Heavens above every day for the people that God sent to love me. I don't know where on earth I'd be if I didn't have them.

monday thoughts.

The Fist

The fist clenched round my heart
loosens a little, and I gasp
brightness; but it tightens
again. When have I ever not loved
the pain of love? But this has moved

past love to mania. This has the strong
clench of the madman, this is
gripping the ledge of unreason, before
plunging howling into the abyss.

Hold hard then, heart. This way at least you live.

-Walcott

We came across this poem in AP Literature today and I fell in love with it the moment the words were introduced to my thoughts. I guess I just like it because it goes along perfectly with everything I've been learning recently. Love is insane, it's madness, it goes against every natural instinct, and yet we long to taste its sweetness in our lives. Love causes us to forget ourselves. Love causes us to put ourselves last. Love causes us to act and think in ways that don't go along with the animalistic thought processes of self preservation. And yet, love is what makes life worth living.

The people we love have the power to hurt us because we give them a part of us. And before we even realize it, our heart is in a hundred fragmented pieces and resides with a hundred different people. But what we don't realize is this: the more fragmented and scattered the pieces of our hearts are, the more whole we become. Our purpose is to love. And when we allow ourselves to do that, we discover what it truly means to live.

So in the end, it's worth all the pain we may experience. All the unkind words uttered in moments of anger, all the disagreements, all the fights, all the hurt feelings, all the sadness, and all the missing. Because despite the difficulties we may come across in our journey to love the people in our lives, when we continue to love, and when we continue to put the well-being of others before ourselves, and when we continue to lift up those around us, then love will carry us through anything we may be forced to struggle through. In the end, love will eventually put us right where we want to be. 

God loves us so He sent His Son.

Christ loves us so He suffered the pains of the world.

And because we love our Heavenly Father and our Savior,

we must also learn to love their children. Because after all,

what would life be without the gift of love?

stories from the life of an awkward human being: episode one.

I figured that too many of my posts lately have been somewhat heavier due to the seriousness of life and whatnot, so I've come here today to share one of my many embarrassing moments. I feel like it's necessary to inform the world of the high degree of awkwardness that is sprinkled over every aspect of my life. Maybe I'll make it a weekly occurrence?

"STORIES FROM THE LIFE OF AN AWKWARD HUMAN BEING: episode one." 

Yes, yes. This is really happening. Get ready for a million and one stories that will have you cringing in your computer chairs and leave you feeling better about yourself and the various awkward moments you've experienced. Welp. here goes nothing?

Once upon a time there lived a girl with hair that was a little too blonde for her skin tone and an awkward tan line that cut across the middle of her shin. (Soccer players have to deal with that sort of a thing.) 'Twas a summer evening in the earlier days of august, the sun was beginning to get sleepy and it cast a golden glow across the simple town of Lehi. Cowboy hats of all shapes and sizes dominated the scene, crowning the heads of many. The faint scent of manure and sweaty humans wafted through the air in the summer heat, but no one really minded. After all, what would a rodeo be without such unique smells? 

Now, the young girl, along with her blonde hair and her shin tan line, had never before attended a rodeo. Yet, as the evening progressed, she was quite convinced that there was no other life for her but the rodeo life. She had been invited to accompany a nice young man who was approximately two years older than her and who was garbed in a blue-plaid shirt, boots, wranglers, and a fancy cowboy hat to the event, and she couldn't have been more excited. However, the problem was, the two of them had an interesting "history." When I say history, I don't mean they literally had "history," but rather, he was quite infatuated with her, but she merely valued his friendship. And so the term "history" is one of those vague yet entirely awkward terms that suggests several moments of utter discomfort experienced between the two individuals. The girl never did well with emotional tension...

I suppose you can see where all of this is going? 

The evening was lovely, it truly was. The girl drooled over the bronzed skin of the many cowboys who tamed the crazed animals within the arena and the boy drooled over the girl who drooled over the cowboys. But everyone had someone to drool over, so really, everything worked out quite nicely.

On the way home, the boy made a pit-stop at Panda Express and ordered two take-home boxes full of food. The girl requested noodles (CHOW-mein) and two sides of orange chicken, as usual, and the boy requested.... something else. (Hey, this was two years ago, you can't expect me to remember EVERY detail!) On the way home, both children ate their meals in silence. Finally, they had arrived at the humble abode of the girl. 

The boy was a perfect gentleman and opened the door for the young lady, then escorted her to the front porch. They stood there for quite some time beneath the dim light emitted from the pathetic lamp-light-thingy on the front porch. The girl laughed nervously and continued to stare at her toes. The boy stood with his hands in his front pocket and talked about everything he could possibly think of at the time: peanuts, his grandma's dead chiwawa, Aragorn's beard. Suddenly, as if he had been struck by Zeus' bolt and blessed with courage, the boy ripped his hands out of his pocket and placed them on the girls chin. Taken aback, the girl, who had been in the midst of making a comment on the perfected scruff of Aragorn's beard, jumbled all her words together and gasped in utter bafflement. 

The boy's eyes burned with the new-found sense of courage. And slowly, ever so slowly, he began to move his face towards hers. The girl, in a state of terror, (she had never actually been capable of registering when boys were going in for the smooch, but for the first time in her life, after being lip-raped three times prior to this particular moment, she knew exactly what was happening.) dug frantically through her head for some sort of plan of escape. But the only logical plan she could manage to come up with really wasn't logical at all. It wasn't that she was trying to be rude, she merely did not share the same feelings he had. She had no other choice.

Acting quickly, she leaned back as far as she possibly could without toppling over, lifted her hands to her face, created an "X" with her fingers and frantically exclaimed, "NO. DON'T DO IT."

The boy didn't know how to respond. So he didn't. Not really, at least. He merely stood there for a moment, silently, then turned and descended down the front steps. (I think he was too shocked to comprehend my response to his attempt to kiss me. Plus, I'm 98% sure every girl he'd tried to kiss -which had been a lot of girls- had allowed him to.)

I don't exactly remember if he ever said goodbye. But I do know that I stood there, frozen with that "X" in front of my lips for a fair amount of time before I actually registered what had happened. And then I cringed at my impulsive attempt to save my lips. I mean, yeahh, it was extremely awkward and probably the worst possible solution I could have come up with, but it worked.

And that's all that really matters, I guess.
Hi, I'm an awkward human being.

this concludes episode one.

I finished all my AP Tests.

So the senior dinner dance was a success. And maybe I have blisters on my feet and I feel like I broke every single toe on my left foot. And maybe I woke up this morning feeling like I got hit by a train. And maybe I got really sick when I got home last night. And maybe we all look absolutely ratchet in our post-dance pictures. But I mean, hey. That's what it's all about.

I have never felt closer to the kids in my graduating class than I felt last night. I was bonding with random people I'd never even talked to before in the middle of a sweaty mosh pit as the music made the gym walls pulse along to the beat. We honestly did not stop dancing for three straight hours. And that probably explains the horrible condition my body was in when I woke up this morning. I mean, but this is senior year. This is it. And I'm going to keep dancing until the end.

After the dance, a group of us sat clustered around a fire in a good friend's backyard. And as we sat there we merely discussed how crazy it is that our lives have already reached this point. We don't feel like we are seniors. We don't feel like we're about to adventure on in our lives. And we don't feel as if that much time has already passed. This year was nothing like I expected it to be, yet it has been everything I would have wanted it to be. And with only 19 days left, my head is beginning to spin just thinking about how much everything is going to change this summer. When did I decide to grow up?

"We didn't realize we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun."

Here's to the graduating class of 2013.

i'm really graduating.

So my first senior photo session is completed. And I've officially decided that it's impossible for me to focus while I'm in front of the camera. Thus resulting in several ridiculous photos. But I'm fine with it. And in case you were wondering, yes, I'm definitely going to use the photos with my pillow pet and wolf shirt on my graduation announcements. I mean, where would I be if I didn't have my pillow pet? And the wolf shirt is my favorite shirt. And yeah, yeah, snapbacks are basically a permanent attachment to my head and whatnot. So, yeah. Makes sense.

Hey, I graduate in twenty two days. And I take my AP tests tomorrow and Friday. So basically what I'm saying is this: FREEDOM. Well, on that note, I'm going to go ahead and study. I'd appreciate any prayers on my behalf. Oh, and I just want you to take a deep breath in. Now exhale it out. And now you can go ahead and smile because today is a good day. And there is so much to be thankful for.

i am not afraid.

Oh hi, it's me again. I guess I just have a lot to say these days. I spend a lot of time with my thoughts. Quiet moments in the car, in hallways full of people, when I'm at work, when I'm cleaning my room- every day presents a number of moments in which I find myself solely in the company of my own thoughts. So I guess you could say I've had a lot of time to think through the things in my life.

I think one of my purposes here on earth is to love the people around me to the best of my ability. I know that's a silly thing to say, but I really believe that it's one of the reasons I was put on the earth at this time, in this place, with these people. I'm supposed to love them- the people around me, I mean. And I've only just begun to recognize the ability I have to love. I often joke with Jillian that it's not only my gift, but my curse as well. It makes me so happy yet hurts me so badly all at the same time. The one thing I have learned, however, is this: I'd rather love and get hurt than never love at all. Love is all about taking risks. It's giving in to vulnerability. When you love a person, you give them the power to hurt you. But that's the neat thing about love: most of the time, the people who love you will do their best to not hurt you. But life is life, and love is love, and hard situation s cannot be avoided. But they can always be overcome. 

I've been letting my mind toy around with the concept of faith lately. And I have come across lots of definitions, but I can't seem to find one that really encompasses the entire idea of faith. It's such a beautiful thing, and beautiful things often cannot be read about. No, beautiful things must be experienced. Faith is hope for a better tomorrow. Faith is trusting in your Heavenly Father and trusting that in the end, He will make everything okay. Faith is that light that lights up the eyes of the believers. Faith is the way we access the blessings of Heaven. Faith brings happiness and protects against the attacks of the devil. Faith is a lot of things, but most of all, faith is necessary. In order for us to be truly successful in life, we must rely upon our faith. And our faith must be centered on our loving Savior and His perfect Atonement. There is no other way.

Yes, life is really hard sometimes. 

And yes, the tears will fall. 

But no, this will not last forever.

And no, this will not defeat you.

"My daughter, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (D&C 121: 7, John 14:1, 27)